by N. Wilson
Central Park in Manhattan is an amazing sight, especially in
the fall. The beautiful red, yellow,
orange, and brown hues that bounce off the leaves seem to be something right
out of a carefully crafted painting.
Growing up in Florida I never experienced much change in seasons and
truly never appreciated what new seasons could bring. Now that fall is among us my excitement grows
daily as I notice the slight changes occurring in the foliage in Central Park
that I can see from my job in NYC. One of
the great things about seasons is that you know exactly what they will
bring. We know the precise timing of
when a season will arrive and depart.
This allows us to plan ahead and make moves/adjustments to our daily
lives in preparation for weather, travel, and other arrangements. Better yet, if you happen to not care for a
particular season all you have to do is wait it out and it will soon pass. After all, no season will last forever. But what about the seasons of life? Have you ever felt stuck in a season that was
hard to deal with or accept? This can be
one of the most difficult experiences in life especially when you greatly
desire to have or achieve something.
Doubt, disappointment, anger, sadness, despair…hopefulness, expectation,
trust, acceptance…these are the polarizing feelings that may plague one while
waiting.
A few months after me and my husband were married, I started
having pregnancy symptoms. I had gained
weight only in my midsection, I felt nauseous here and there, and just felt
that something was going on with my body.
I decided to take a pregnancy test just in case…it was positive! We were so excited and before even thinking
about it we reached out to our closest family members to share the news. That was extremely premature, and shortly
after I found out that I was indeed not pregnant. The test must have had some kind of glitch.
We were disappointed, but we knew that there was plenty of time to have
children. Little did we know that would
be the first and only time that a pregnancy test would read positive in the
entire 6.5 years that we have been married.
Through the years I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions and
have tried over and over to rationalize why this is a part of my plight. I have questioned God about it, doubted my
ability to be a mother, and have even felt guilt about not being able to carry
on the family name of my husband and my own.
Family members and friends have encouraged me, given me advice
(sometimes asked for and other times not), suggested scriptures for reading,
and prayed for me. Even after all of the
encouragement for a few years, I still felt discouraged.
Needless to say, I have felt “stuck” in this season and did
not see the light at the end of the tunnel.
That would all change. Last year
I was in a rut about this issue and I decided to study the lives of women who
had difficulty having children, but were soon blessed. I read about Sarai, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah,
and Elizabeth. These women experienced
both the pain of barrenness and the joy of God blessing them to be with
child(ren). There stories should have
brought hope to me and for a short time they did, but the human side of me had
a hard time holding my head up and finding joy in their stories when the same
had not happened for me. It was around
that time when I watched the movie One Night with the King on TBN. This powerful story about a young woman named Hadassah (aka Esther) who would marry the King of Persia and save her people was so moving. A light bulb came on for me; Esther was a woman who risked her own life to help others and would forever change a nation and the world. Biblical scholars are not sure if she had children later in life, but even if she did we know her story as only a woman, wife, and Queen. Her life was not more or less valuable based on having children or not. Esther was also not defined by this. Her life was characterized by her courage, willingness to create change, and standing up for righteousness. Read more in the book of the bible 'Esther'.
I soon began to look for other women of the bible who were remembered for their impact in ministry and not if or how many children they had. Joanna was a financial supporter of Jesus' ministry (Luke 8:1-3, 23:55, 24:10). Priscilla was a leader along with her husband and was regarded in high esteem by the Apostle Paul for her commitment to the church (Acts 18:2, 18, 26; Romans 16:3; 1 Corinthians 16:19; 2 Timothy 4:19). Dorcas is noted in the bible as a disciple of Christ and a philanthropist (Acts 9:36-43). Anna was a Prophetess (Luke 2:36-38). These women did something impactful and would be forever written in history as change agents that did great work for the Kingdom of God. Their stories inspired me. I realized that my life was not defined by not being a mother, but by what I did with my life that would impact others through what God had planned for me as my life's work. My focus became 'what can I do' and not what I cannot. When I started to reflect on my life I fully realized all of the things that I was blessed with. God has done so much for me in my marriage, my career, in ministry, friendships and much more. That is good news. I am still in a season of waiting to be a mother, but until that happens the greatness that God has placed in me will be used to encourage, teach, and lead others through my stories and the gifts that God gave me. That will be my legacy. I still have to remember this each and every day to stay encouraged and remind myself that I have self worth in spite of my lack.
Maybe you are not waiting to have a child, but are waiting for another heartfelt desire. My prayer for you is that as you wait on the Lord He will be your strength, comfort, peace, and understanding. If you are in a season of waiting just know that God has not forgotten you. He has a plan for you and you will prosper. Jeremiah 29:11
Questions to Ponder:
What can I do to Glorify God while I am waiting on Him to answer my prayers?
Read about what Paul and Silas did while waiting on the Lord when they were imprisoned by the Romans. Acts 16:16-35
How can I show God that I trust what he has for me is best for me?
Jesus, during his prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, declared before the Lord that it would not be his own will but the will of the Lord done in him. It was then that an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. Jesus would go on to die for my sins and yours. When we trust God with our desires He will not only renew our strength, but others will be blessed too. Luke 22:42
Nikitia (Niki) Wilson believes in the power of
storytelling. She founded Blessed Chix
to fulfill the call that God gave her to reach, encourage, and inspire women
and girls through testimonies of overcoming the odds. Niki has dedicated her life and ministry to
creating a platform where women can share
with each other in safe, nonjudgmental, and “come as you are” environments
in order to find fullness in life and in love.
She is happily married to her husband Rev. Eli Wilson, III and resides
in Metro New York where she is a librarian.
