OUGHT

by Deirdre Simmons

Sometimes we have quirks that we don't realize. This can be because of our environment/upbringing, the influence of others, or just maybe it is the way we are hard-wired. It is the intricate nature of personality and psychology: ego, id, and superego. Some of the behaviors we have hold us back in our personal, professional and spiritual growth. Let's explore how I built a roadblock, what was needed to continue on the journey that God has for me, and why it matters.

Maturity and growth are dependent upon the ability to work through some adversity with grace while also being able to be open to see opportunities. The plan for my life often deviates from how I believe it ought to look; it usually won't come to fruition the way I think it will. The story of Joseph sets the stage for this example: when we have dreams God can and will fulfill them, just not always in expected ways. Joseph, the son born to Rachel and Jacob, a sheep herder and dreamer, had a dream of ruling over the land and the people, including his brothers. His brothers hated him for the dream and because he was their father's favorite son. His brothers at one point threw him in a pit: Joseph's path to greatness was met with twists and turns, adversity and snares. However, he remained faithful. He was true to himself and his God. In adversity he was strategic and recognized opportunity.  At one point he was thrown in jail and took the opportunity to share the gifts that God gave him regardless of the surroundings. When the opportunity arose he asked a new friend, a cup bearer, to remember him. His new friend would be in a position to get him to the next step in his journey. He could have dwelled on how he thought the fulfillment of his dream ought to have gone causing him to miss some lessons and blessings along the way. This story climaxes at the point where Joseph's dream of rulership comes true. At that point, he could have be mired in negativity, and reminded of how he ought to have been treated by his brothers and what they did instead. However, he showed love and kindness. This is an example of how what some mean for evil can be meant for good by God.

My story begins at a neighborhood church. They have an annual church production and I was invited to be a part of the production staff. I had some dreams of revamping processes and doing great things. Well, that experience didn't look like what I thought it ought… As I entered my new assignment, excited about doing ministry in a new way and giving my all to do kingdom work, I was met by adversity. One of the women, a church staff member and production team manager, was negative, rude and critical.  Her anger toward me was apparent, my very presence bothered her. It was adversity. Her personality and actions and subsequently, other leadership who seemed to condone the behavior and did not offer a place of love where resolutions and solutions are the norm was the pit in which I was thrown. In the most Godly and professional way that I knew how to respond, I addressed what I could, made it clear that God was my audience and I would not be deterred from my assignment. I sought out ways to excel at my assignment and improve processes. When the assignment was over, I had built up so much disdain for the production and some of the members involved that I vowed to never promote, be a part of or support the production in any form or fashion.  It wasn't what I thought it ought to be and I felt that there were people that didn't glorify God.

It was ok not to support and to not be a part of the process. It wasn't ok for me not to forgive the actions of others. It was wrong of me to label these people who I felt were wrong and who mistreated me. In your anger, do not sin. Ephesians 4:26 tells us that it's ok to be angry: the way we choose to respond should not be sinful. As I began to do ministry around relationships, the word from God about my journey was to bring men and women into the same space to improve relationships, receive instruction on financial intimacy, and dialogue about and give resources for domestic violence. It is a journey of transformation; it is empowering individuals, strengthening relationships and ultimately changing the dynamics and landscape of our communities. It was apparent that for me to do the work while harboring animosity would be fraudulent. It didn't matter that she didn't ask for forgiveness, I needed to release the anger and be obedient. "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4: 31-32

There is a trusted elder who is also a Reverend: I asked that he be present because I wanted to have a conversation with this person. He agreed and was supportive. It was my posture to ask for her forgiveness since every time I saw her I labeled her as a spawn of satan and a member of the brood of vipers. My oughts of how she (and others) should have supported me, how "good" Christians are loving, kind and are joyous, and how leadership in the church ought to respond are irrelevant. In that moment and going forward, I focus on what God would have me to do. I am walking fully and wholeheartedly to be in this world but not of this world, I must live a life that is set apart and hold true to exemplifying the fruits of the spirit. Regardless of the oughts, I am the salt: I cannot forget it.  I was able to move forward and have a successful conference on relationships and empowerment.  And I am grateful for learning to be the example and forgiving as my Father commanded.

I challenge you to find the "oughts" in your life or the stumbling blocks that are not allowing you to forgive and replace them with the courage to forgive. It's ok to say, I'm sorry". It's ok to forgive people who haven't even asked. It is a healthy thing to forgive and focus on good and moving forward in the journey of blessings that God has for you. You will fill the dark spaces with love and joy.

Lastly, you can forgive you too…

Deirdre Simmons, PHR, SHRM-CP, entrepreneur, past president f SHRM Gateway, and most important role-wife, began Cast Your Net on the Right Side #NowWhat non-profit to bring a relationSHIPS dialogue to the community. This God-given vision provides biblically based practical instruction for men and women on everyday living while edifying participants.  There are 2 other business under the cast your net brand: Cast Your Net Travel and Smoove Stones.

This graduate of Purdue University is also an EEO Advisor, has a certification in HR and is currently enrolled at UCONN.

The former Deirdre Cash has been married to chef, trainer, chaplain, Minister Jerry Simmons for 6 1/2 years.  She has worked as a servant leader in several ministries however, wife is her first ministry.